There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
