Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
