I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
