Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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