i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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