i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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