the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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