After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
