Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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