Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize