I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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