the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is wine microwaveable?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
