Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
