i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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