Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
