I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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