Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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