im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
