He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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