my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
