he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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