Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize