So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
