Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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