Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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