apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
