Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
