Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
