So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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