hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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