I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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