I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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