I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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