i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My vagina is officially offended.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
