My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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