Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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