If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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