Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
