I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize