How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize