There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
