So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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