After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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