She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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