how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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