my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
