This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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