This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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