I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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