so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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