Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
