shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
