well I can't set my house on fire every night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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