i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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