I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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