Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
