John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
