You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
