quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize