so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
